Currently Watching Green Street Hooligans By David Alexander (XVI), Oliver Allison, James Allison, Joel Beckett, Geoff Bell see related

Okay. This is sort of an interlude between super-long me-posts and nonsensical rants about things that bother me. My family’s an interesting one, right? At least in my own estimation. Anyway, because we are who we are, sometimes we say things that are, quite frankly, funny. About a year ago, I started writing the best of them down. So, for you, I’ve put them down, taken out the inside jokes and things that only I find funny, and slapped them up.

Brief introductions:

Jonathan – my [currently] fifteen-year-old brother, probably the most popular among my “quotes page” because he can really be funny when he’s not trying to.

Robert – my nineteen-year-old brother. Doesn’t often say things that are really hilarious, but when he does, they really are funny.

Nathan – Twenty-three year old brother. Usually violent and very funny.

Lane: Twenty-five year-old brother. The most sarcastic person I’ve ever met, and also one of the funniest.

Dad – Well… my dad. Simple enough. Same with Mom.

Kimi: A good friend of mine from Alabama.

Christina – a friend from Florida, fourteen, sometimes puts common sense on hold with very funny results for the rest of us.

Caroline – a friend from Meridian, a little older than me without a huge degree of common sense.

Random online users – Sometimes people I come across online have funny things to say. So I put them here.

Others: Just random people or friends—I’m too lazy to list everyone here.

Right, that’s enough. Let’s get to the quotes.

Quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever said: “I don’t think they’d put it on TV if it wasn’t possible.”

Nathan: Look how almost dead you are.

Atreyuguy19 (on IMDB): Concerning the original poster's grammar and spelling only, I have to agree. You're 16? If that is true I absolutely fear for future. Your posts have all the coherency of a mildly retarded dolphin.

Jonathan goes off on a tangent: (Discussing Jin and Sun’s sweat—don’t ask) I bet they’d smell like flowers, because they’re perfect. I love Koreans. They’re so beautiful… men and women. They have, like, the perfect face.

Me: I know, you hate me. You love me, too.
Christina: It’s a two-for-one special.

Christina: My wedding theme is going to be white. Everything will be white. Except some of the people, but I can paint them.

Jon: (Watching me play a game) …and that’s how Donkey Kong died.

Phuriedae (a reviewer of one of my stories): I want to take Lauren home and feed her cookies.

Jon: Every now and again, I notice hot girls around my age looking at me, and I’m like, “She’s totally diggin’ my body.” And then I notice there’s a TV behind me, and I’m like, “Dang.”

Robert: (As Matthew McConaghey) Can I take my shirt off yet? Oh, good. That thing was itchiiiiin’….

Me: She didn’t call back because I was on the phone for the past half-hour.
Dad: Oh… tell Christina I said hello.

Jonathan: I can just see myself getting raped to this music.

Me: (On seeing the name of that annoying Oxi-Clean guy) Ah. Now I know his name. So I can track him down and shoot him.

Kimi: Movies about genocide freak me out.

Jonathan (ate age fourteen): Where’s the beer, Mom?

Nathan: (After finding out I got in a car accident) You’re an idiot.
Me: Hey! Do I need to bring up the time you rammed into the back of someone?
Nathan: Yeah… but I had a jizzob.

Jonathan: That’s what fat is called: tubbis.

Jonathan: (On Juliet) She’s just got that look on her face. That liar look.

Jonathan: It wouldn’t be racist, it would just be true!

Jonathan: I bet he would have big hands.
Both Of Us: (In unison) And you know what they say about a man with big hands!

Jonathan: (About trying my black nail polish) Can I get it off by tonight?
Me: It’s called nail polish remover.
Jonathan: Does it work?
Me: …it’s how I get my nail polish off.

Jonathan: (That same night) Wow, I’m such a good fingernail painter!

Jonathan: (Same night) Can you get high off of nail polish remover?
Me: Yes. Jonathan, put that bottle down!

Jonathan: Your eyes look… just… black to me… sometimes.

Jonathan: (After I threw a plastic razor at him, wailing) You cut me! You cut me bad!

Jonathan: I swear I just peed a little bit of my brain out!

Me: You’ll never be the King of Darkness, though. You’ll always be the prince. Enjoy it.
Jon: I wanna—
Me: I could make you the Duke of Doom.
Jon: –be like—
Me: Or the Earl of Evil! (Cackles)

Nathan: (At church) Don’t make me hit you. I’ll do it right here—right in front of Jesus.

Dad: (Singing after killing a fly) You’re dead!
You is dead!
You is dead!

Lady on the Commercial: Smoking is bad for children. All children. Including the one you’re pregnant with right now.
Robert: ( Feeling his stomach) HOLY CRAP! I’m pregnant?!

Jonathan: And then I find blood on the wall… like, after I finish blacking out, and…
Me: (Laughs hysterically)

Me: If you’re not back in ten seconds, we’re not watching the movie.
Jonathan: Okay! (Dashes out of sight around the corner. A crashing noise ensues) Ow… make that thirty!

Me: Next time, come upstairs and knock on my door. Don’t scream like a banshee and bang on the wall.

Me: (After something clogged up my windpipe in the middle of a rant, choking) God decided to shut me up.

Professor Ginn: What the crap does that mean?

(Discussing World Domination)
Jon: My friend and I probably will just destroy the world.
Me: Why on earth would anyone want to destroy the world?
Jon: I don’t know… just to be the first to do it.
Me: I think God may beat you on that one.

Jonathan: I’m so depressed, I could eat a buttload of ice cream.

Nicole: I go to the beat of my own drummer. And when the drum doesn’t work, I… throw it at somebody.

Professor Ginn: All right, I’ll show you how to permanently fix a computer, Ginn-style. (Unplugs the computer)

Caroline, referring to Adhemar on A Knight’s Tale: The bad guy who had the thing in his thing?

Me: (After Dad got an MRI) They gave you an ID bracelet.
Dad: Yup. (Long pause) In case they mixed me up and Mom brought the wrong man home.
Me: (Laughs hysterically)

Jonathan: Robert’s taking a slam.
Me: What’s a slam?
Jonathan: (Starts laughing)
Me: What? Hey! Ewww!

Me (to Christina): If I found you with cat porn, I’d totally arrest you.

Jon: You run so sloppily… and then you took out two chairs! (After chasing me around the house—I slipped on a piece of paper and power-slid underneath the table. It didn’t hurt at all, surprisingly)

Me: All right, it’s time to go.
Jon: Okay, just let me kill Sean Bean.
Me: Uh! I should kick you out on principle for that.
Jon: He was taunting me.
Me: (Snorts) You should let him go and be grateful that he taunted you. He’s the master of taunting. You should feel privileged to be taunted by Sean Bean.
Jon: Uh-oh.
Me: What now?
Jon: I messed up. I was supposed to push him off this cliff and I missed.

Christina: If they gave us cheese for every time we learned something, I’d have two pieces of cheese.

Jon: What is that, like an ice cream cone?
Me: No, it’s a hill.
Jon: That’s a messed up hill.
Me: You’re a messed up hill!

Jonathan: Inventors of… what did the Spaniards invent?
Me: Chocolate.
Jonathan: Really?
Me: Yes.
Jonathan: I love the Spaniards.

Jonathan: It’s, like, addicting.
Me: Addictive.
Jonathan: Addictive. Whatever. Screw you.

Christina: Sara, when I ask a stupid question like that, you’re supposed to say “Because they can.”
Me: I did say that.
Christina: You said it in a lot of words. Me don’t understand big words.
Me: Do you understand the Flintstones?
Christina: What?
Me: I can’t stand the Flintstones.

Jonathan: Sara… what do you think blood tastes like to vampires?
Me: Oh, man. You don’t even want to ask me that. All right—imagine the best wine you’ve ever tasted. Now, magnify that by a hundred—cause that’s their sole source of nutrition.
Mom: Sara, that’s awful!
Me: What?!

Me: I’m giving my brain a day off.

Lane: Don’t touch my underwear!
Me: …why would I want to touch your underwear?
Lane: …hands off the undies.

Me: (Yelling at the movie Children of the Corn) Come on, Malachai! Don’t send your posse after him, do it yourself! If you want something done right, do it yourself! You can take him!
Jonathan: (Very quietly) Sara? I don’t think he can hear you.

Jonathan: (As Lionel Luthor) Don’t make me lose my temper. I will smash this teacup to bits.

(After a hummingbird had been stuck in our garage for a day or two)
Mom: I’ve got the hummingbird in a towel!
Jon: What are we gonna do with it?
Me: (Shouting downstairs) EAT IT!

Jon: Have you murdered in thought?
Me: No.
Jon: You haven’t?! Dude… I have a problem.

Christina: (On Hitler) He’s a mean old pooh-pooh head.

Me: (Playing MASH with Jonathan) You made me marry LIONEL LUTHOR?!

Robert: I’m more of a Christian Bale man myself. (I still cannot believe he said this!)

Me: (Advising Lane) If you want a sweet cat, get an un-neutered guy cat.
Lane: Are you serious? Those are the meanest cats around!
Me: Nuh-uh! Look at Socks, he was a sweetie!
Lane: That’s because he was going out and getting some every night!
Me: (Laughs)

Professor Jack: I don’t think I’m Jabba the Hutt.

Professor Keene: Something has happened to my cheese.

Nathan: I see London, I see France…
Daniel: I see Robert’s nipples! (Cracks up)

(Robert looking expectantly at me after he remarks that Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot, as if expecting me to object)
Me: (Shrugs) I have no problem with that. I think she’s beautiful.
Nathan: …Well, that was a lesbian remark.

Professor Keene: For example, how many of you would answer truthfully if I asked if you’ve ever smoked marijuana? Not that I would, because I love my job.

Caroline: (On seeing Bors and Vanora kissing on King Arthur) Wow, the way they’re going at it, no wonder they have eleven kids!

Christina: One, two, three!
Me: What are you doing now?
Christina: Counting.

Professor Keene: Now I’m going to have to start being more covert, because you guys obviously have me figured out.

Christina: Oh, my hair’s extra… perfect today!

Christina: And the chances of that are one in… a miracle?

Professor Keene: “See, I didn’t know that the outlet was what you wanted me to touch- and know I’m kind of wondering why you guys wanted me to touch the electrical outlet…”

Me: (To Nathan) You know what your name would be in Spanish?
Nathan: I know what yours would be: El Farto.

Christina: Ooh, I’m gonna read the wall!

Christina: Jesse McCartney is Paul McCartney’s son.
Me: No, he isn’t!
Christina: Yes, he is!
Me: No, he’s not! Paul McCartney would have had to have him at like, age forty-five.
Christina: That’s possible!
Me: Possible, but not probable.
Christina: Jesse McCartney’s mother is Ginger McCartney.
Me: Aha! Paul was married to Linda McCartney! Paul is not Jesse’s dad!
Christina: Oh. Well why didn’t you just say so?

Christina: We’re supposed to get a prize… he better give me a gift basket, I’m hungry.

Professor Keene: They actually say that brainfreeze is triggered by the roof of your mouth, so they suggest eating ice cream without letting it touch the roof of your mouth- let me know how successful you are with that.

Jonathan: And he took her away and they lived happily ever after… in a bush.

Jon: Sonny’s voice is so good! It’s like wheels on a wand.
Me: …what?
Jon: See, that’s how good he is, because you don’t understand it!

Jon: Gerard Butler’s so awesome! He can sing, he can fight—what can’t he do?!

Christina: Don’t look at me in that tone of voice!

Me: Don’t call her short; only I’m allowed to do that! (In reference to friend Meghan)

Jon: Voltaire! Yay, kids, it’s Voltaire!

Jon: Chocolate + Jonathan = Happy!

Jon: Hey, it’s not any sicker than Little Women. Or your obsession with David Bowie… Uncle Bowie.

(Me) EccentricBanshee: Jon says "Sweet. Are they brand new and awesome?"
(Alex) Baku354: Yes.
Baku354: They were covered in green sliem at first.
EccentricBanshee: Oooo... like the Matrix pod slime?
EccentricBanshee: Or the Alien slime?
Baku354: Piccolo slime.
EccentricBanshee: Piccolo? Like that tiny little pipe?
Baku354: No. Dragonbal Z.
EccentricBanshee: ...they named slime after a tiny little pipe?
Baku354: No!
EccentricBanshee: (Lifts eyebrow)
Baku354: On Dragonball Z, one of the characters can sue his own pwoer to grow bakc his limbs.
EccentricBanshee: And his name is Piccolo?
Baku354: Yeah.
EccentricBanshee: ...so they named a CHARACTER after a tiny little pipe!
EccentricBanshee: That makes sense.
Baku354: No...
Baku354: Japenese.
EccentricBanshee: Hey, it's all English to me.
EccentricBanshee: Except for when it's Spanish.
Baku354:  O_o

Baku354: "Women get too much advice from other women about men...
Baku354: when those women don't know what they're talking about."
EccentricBanshee: Well, the thing is that women study men.
EccentricBanshee: We care a lot about understanding you guys.
Baku354: We gave up around...Eve...
EccentricBanshee: (dies laughing)